When you see me, I am happy, laughing, cracking jokes, and what not. I live to see others smile and laugh and make sure that you’re alright. I don’t get out the house much, but when I do I am usually wearing a hoodie, and leggings. Most days I don’t even get dressed, I stay in my pj’s all day long.
When I am seen outside, I always get ” you don’t look sick”, or ” why are you faking it ” what you don’t understand, is when I am told those things it hurts me on the inside, I don’t show you that what you just said hurts me, and I don’t really have to explain to you what is all wrong with me. I hear whispers behind my back, she is doing this for attention, she’s probably faking it, she needs to get out there and get a job. I remain strong and act like I don’t know what you said about me, what rumors you’re spreading about me. But, I guess you also don’t realize that what you said about me, hurts me deep down, it makes me ashamed of myself. I know what others say about you, we shouldn’t let it bother us, but it does bother me, because I am nice to everyone, I try my best to make others laugh, and feel good about themselves, while I’m dying inside.
FYI I am not writing this to get your attention, your pitty, or anything else. I am writing this to make you aware, aware that maybe you don’t see some illnesses, it doesn’t give you the right to judge people, or talk down about them.
I am writing this to let you know, that everyday for me is a struggle. Not all people feel the same pain, something might work for you, and it might not work for someone else. So why give that person a hard time? Why judge them? Why lower their self esteem when it’s already low enough?
Here are the things that are wrong with me, I will even post what it means so you don’t have to try to look it up.
*Chronic Radicular Low Back Pain — lumbar radiculopathy is a self-limited injury to the nerve roots of the lumbar spine. It can be excruciating, including burning, stinging pain, radiation of pain down leg, decreased sensation of the legs, numbness, and tingling, and muscle weakness.
*Fatigue- being extremely tired all the time
- Acute Pain of Left Shoulder– The start of arthritis
- DDD ( Degenerative Disc Disease– Osteoarthritis of the spine, a condition of the discs between vertebrae with loss of cushioning, fragmentation and herniation related to aging.
- Sacral Pain— Inflammation of one or both of the joints where the bottom of the back bone joins the pelvis.
- Lumbago with Sciatica– pain radiating from the lower back down into the legs.
- Anxiety States– (GAD) feeling anxious on most days, due to worrying about lots of different things.
- OA ( Osteoarthritis) of knee– it affects the bones, the cartilage, and the synovium in the knee joint, which causes pain and stiffness.
- Lumbago– pain in the muscles and joints in the lower back.
- Chronic Pain– caused by inflammation and dysfunctional nerves
- Cervical Radiculitis– pain felt in the uppermost section of the spine column. It affects the neck and shoulders, and radiates and spreads to other parts of the body including the arms and hands.
- Insomnia– having trouble sleeping and having trouble staying asleep
- Chronic Neck Pain– constant pain in the neck due to stress, or other issues
- Knee and Leg Pain–a painful condition in which connective tissues rub against the thighbone.
- Fibromyalgia– Widespread muscle pain and tenderness. It can be accompained by fatigue and altered sleep, memory and mood. Medication might help, but this condition can never be cured.
Not everyone knows what I deal with daily, I don’t talk about it to anyone, as I am usually pinned as an attention seeker. My life has been turned upside down, due to everything that is wrong with me. I have already had one back surgery, and it just made it all worse. So when you see me, and I am smiling and happy, just know that I am dying on the inside, I am fighting a losing battle, I am just trying to make you happy.
I wish that others cared about me, as much as I care about them. Instead of me being judged on a daily bases. I am fighting a invisable illnesses, that most won’t begin to understand what my life is like. I wish I could work, I wish I could walk around a park, I wish I could do all the things that I used to be able to do. But, my life has been forever changed.
You don’t know how someone feels, unless your in their shoes, so don’t be so quick to judge a book by its cover. Be kind, try to understand what someone is going through. Thankfully I have a very supportive husband and children.
Also know, that we might have some of the same conditions, but we all feel or deal with them differently. I sit at home all the time, I have no friends, I don’t go outside to stores much, I rather be comfortable in my own home. I have been told I don’t have friends cause I don’t leave the house, well it isn’t always that easy for me. I have had friends, and once I became ill, they disappeared from my life. Well, they’re still there, but only if they want something from me, then they talk about me behind my back.
I am getting off subject here… I just wanted y’all to be aware of what I deal with daily. If you have read this all, I commend you. Thank you for listening to me..